Never going back..

So I'm again single mom of seven kids. This time i couldn't be happier to be single lol i cant believe i dealt with that crap for all those years lol after nearly a year without him and no contact,no drama.. and then having him around even for two months or so was more then enough to remind me that omg wtf was i ever thinking lol its hilarious how blind you can become over the bullshit we call love. good thing i have learned threw life that nothing lasts forever and everything must one day come to an end. In some way i wish i was more upset and actually felt something over him being gone again..maybe it would make me feel..i dunno..human. but i don't..Like i feel like i don't have any feelings to give anymore.. like I'm not capable of feeling anything at all. its scary but enlightening at the same time. I remember a time when i cried day and night for months.. i couldn't eat,sleep nothing. It tore my heart out time and time again watching him walk away like we didn't matter just to come back when he had nothing better going on then me or his kids.. I truly believe that with every gift we are given comes a price to pay for it and I have my children and my only daughter thanks to him.. but i paid a deep price for him being their father and having to deal with him due to the fact. I have always thought and still do believe a father is just as important in a child's life as a mother is but like a mother.. a father is only important if they make themselves important in their child's life. I wished with all my heart and soul for it to work for so long that now that i have seen first hand that no matter what it never will.. i can move on and not ever look back.. and for once I'm happy about it.

Monsters are out there.. Be aware.

I hate you..i hate you more and more as the days pass. when i see you i am reminded how much easier my life would have been if i had never met you. You disgust me to no end. How could someone so horrible..i grew up thinking monsters were make believe but then people like you and other men like you came into my world and showed me that life is FULL of monsters they just don't wear capes,fangs,drink blood or fly..they walk among us like everyone else. They hide in the open,they lie,cheat,steal and torture people, they literally suck the happiness,hope and even your soul right out of you. They have no regards to others or how the things they do effect others because in their world they are the only ones that matter. They love no one not even themselves. They build fake relationships with people just to get the pleasure of taring their lives apart and watching them struggle to survive and once they finally get grounds to get back up on their own feet they snake their way back in just to do it all over again and none of these poor people see it coming till its to late. Then it starts all over again. These people ARE monsters they are physic vampires. These people are clingy and once they think they have a hold of you and your life or heart they keep coming around just to get a fix of the misery they cause you then they leave like you never mattered..they go about their lives like its nothing and these soul sucking creatures tend to act like they were the victims in it all. They will complain about their recent victim by saying things like he/she was such a bitch or controlling or that they cheat or they this or that but will NEVER take any blame on themselves. these people are people you should steer clear from because no matter how much you think people change or that you can "fix" them or that they love you more then the last person so they'd never do that to you.. Your WRONG. They NEVER change. They'll never care and they will never feel sorry. You cant change people. I have a saying i have learned and lived by this year and actually been thinking of getting it tattooed "People Don't Change, just the mask they wear does." its literally the truest saying i have ever heard in my life. I fell into the "monster's pit" and have suffered greatly mentally for it.. But i survive; it's literally who i am and what i stand for. Nothing in my life has kept me down and never will. I will fight this monster that stands in the shadow of my life till the day i die..  I Am Not A Victim, I'm A Survivor.

eX'z & Aghh'z

Have you ever had someone in your life that you cant imagine living without but if you could chock the life out of them and get away with it you might actually stop and think about it for a minute..Yea i have one of those too and unfortunitly i had four kids with him lol As poisonous as he is to me, my kids love their dad and i know how it feels to grow up fatherless and not know the person who created you..and i saw what my kids dad turned out to be with a father who was in and out of his life and a dad who played daddy to everyone elses kids except his own son..well sadly like father like son and as much as its not my job to defend or keep his relationship between him and his kids.. in my eyes it really is. They're family is so selfish and self obsorbed that no one would defend my kids. they all turned their backs on his entire generation so for them to do it to my kids wouldnt be a huge surprise really. If my kids are going to beat the parenting issues and growing up with dad gone and mom to tired and stressed to actually enjoy being a mom then i need to step up and do something different because by deffinition insanity is doing the same thing over and over again exspecting different results.. and as out there and out spoken that i am i really would like to think that i'm not compeletely insane. I deal with him and all his stupidity and ignorance because i know if i dont fight for his kids future then no one else will. Have you ever had to put yourself into something you really had no interest in doing but it was what was Best for someone you would take a bullet for so you suck it up and deal with it anyways.. yea its That! lol Call me neive but i like to think that everyone has a good side or at least i used to till My kids dad proved me wrong..and sadly its not just one person its an entire family run on lies,stealing and desception. Growing up with a family that runs off money and how much you can spend on yourself and it doesnt matter who you step on to get it..even each other. I yes grew up in facs as a "foster kid" and i got to learn that you put others first. you dont have to be rich to be a good person, to help people, to make a difference, to love someone because you actually care not because genetics says you have to. Living in such a way; so angry and selfish..
it must really suck to live like that. I may have lived a ruff childhood but those very few people in my childhood that i actually felt genuine love from..Those people stood out and made me know that Love is the least selfish thing on this earth and everyone needs it, weather they deserve it or not. our human body; human nature seeks love,acceptance and security and its sad that some people are actually taught the exact opposite of this and it sticks. People in my life have shown me shady, evil ways and lied,cheated,stole and used me..but i see these people after they do such evil things to someone like me knowing i would never do those things to them.. i honestly ad truly feel sorry for them. My soul cries for the sadness and self hating these people have inside themselves. i could never imagine what i would think of myself if i had become what people tried to make me be.. I was determined to NOT be like them.. like all the mean,evil,selfish people in the world..It may suck to be a nice person sometimes but i would rather be me then have to look at myself in the mirror knowing i was like them..

Mothers..Step up or back off and let the real woman do their job.

Is it just me or are their way to many woman who just have babies just to claim being a mother. As a mother of Seven children it literally makes me sick to my stomach to see or know a mother who just cant do her job or Hasnt. I grew up in foster care with Foster parents. Always living with someone elses mom and dad and not my own. Its probably the reason i have a very low tolerance to ignorance when it comes to parenting. Dont get me wrong i am not the perfect parent; Heaven knows i had no one teaching me how to be a mother.. BUT.. i put all seven of my kids before myself and i will ALWAYS be their mother and NO i do NOT agree with those stupid parents who seem to think that just because their children grow up that their job is 'Done' well i didnt know that being a parent had a quiting time. I was always under the impression that parenting was a life time thing but apparently i seem to be the only person that i know that still believes that. I plan to be not only an active grandparent but i will be an active mother till the day I die and even then if i can stick around and keep an eye on my kids and grandkids after i am gone i would. I know far to many shady two faced mothers who dont know how to act like a proper mother. These ladies are turning on their kids, putting themselves first, not protecting their kids, not caring for them like they deserve. Lets face it anyone in my generation is fighting against a genetic default called lousy parenting. Our parents were raised in a time where raising your kids to be proactive people in society wasn't the top priority so unless you were smart enough to acknowledge that this was happening and change the road you were on on your own then you are most likely a product of your surroundings and thankfully i was forced to grow up way faster then i should have been forced to but thanks to that it made me well aware of my families genetic faults and patterns that even at 6 yrs old when my FACS worker asked me what i wanted to be i told her ' I want to be a mother, so that i can stop the pattern of children in my family taken by facs." she really didnt know how to respond considering it wasnt a typical answer anyone would get from a six year old little girl. I plan to one day write my life story but i am afraid i will have to put into fantacy due to no one ever believing that one person could possibly go threw everything i have and still come out semi sane and able to funtion as stable and a rock hard fondation for seven children. I dont like Fake People and I HATE FAKE MOTHERS EVEN MORE..

Home schooling.. YAY OR NAH?!

So, I guess there is no right way or wrong way to say this because you get judged harshly either way lol But here goes..I'm a homeschooling Mom. I homeschool my daughter who is in SK right now this is our second year homeschooling and each year we tend to find more and more ways to teach her and let her mind grow. She is amazing and i love getting to watch her think and even struggle to find the answer just to come to see she knew the answer the entire time. She is an amazing child with an amazing mind but like everyone she has her days were she doesnt feel like doing anything and thats when she needs a push. My older boys are in public school and they dont get pushed, in fact one of my sons is allowed to sleep in class. Mind you he is an Aspie(aspergers/autism) with tourettes so if his mind isnt kept busy his medication for his tourettes tends to make him sleep but he is sleeping in almost every class and last year he slept right threw every single french class to the point they couldnt grade him at all. I had a heck of a time convincing them he has to be woken up. he cant be left to do as he please and i know some people will think badly on how i do things but i push my kids where the school wont and my kids are all my oldest is a A/B student, my 3rd son is a straight B student and my Aspie son and my youngest of my four oldest boys are both B average students but both have learning disabilities, writing/Reading and both have programs and EI's in the class to assist them in any work that they have issues in. I find that to many people worry about one thing when they hear Homeschooling..its the same from everyone. "Aren't you worried about their social life"
Let me explain something for ONE me and their fathers were NEVER social people even in public schools and our kids are the same and the ones that are have Insanely social that no matter schooled here or there will always be social butterflies and TWO No, i am not worried if my grade 2 son has a social life seeing as most of the kids he knows he wont know later in life anyways. i would love for my kids to work on the relationships that will actually matter in their lives like their siblings and other friends and family in their day to day. Honestly now, if we were to think back on how many people we are actually 'friends' with now in our day to day life from elementary school i can guess the number isnt high. So for all those people that ask the same question.. here's my comment back.

If a social life is what your worried about first in your child's education then YOU are the problem with the world these days. That is why our next generation live inside their digital devices and not in the real world anymore.

What A Man Can Do.. A Woman Cant.

I hate that for some men the world still works in black and white. A man can lie,cheat,steal,use woman, take Everything and Anything he wants and its just him being "a guy" or he's deemed "a player" A guy can have a child and walk out on its mother before its even born and its deemed him being just "a guy" or its "no surprise/No Big Deal" But Why.. Why are men not held accountable for the evil that they do. So many of us have childhood issues and 90% of them stem from "Daddy issues" for usually have a completely absent father or one that comes in and out when its convient to him and of course every mother who has a child wants them to have a relationship with their father and yet due to never being held accountable for the damage being done it continues to do nothing but damage the child farther. I believe if ANY man walks out on their child they should be held accountable just as much as any mother would be. A man walks out..no big deal but a woman walks out and she gets jail time for abandonment changes. Men without a shadow of a doubt cause more mental damage toward woman and children then anyone else. And yet we all sit back and allow this to happen generation after generation.

How seriously sick and twisted can life be sometimes..

So I'm back.. life can be so fucking sick and unbelievably twisted at times and I for the first time in my life understand how men get poisoned or murdered by their 'other half'...just saying. I swear I am like the worst person on the face of the planet when it comes to picking people to be in a relationship with.. its gotten so ridiculous its become a sick fucking joke. If I actually told someone everything I have been threw in the few relationships I've had in my life they'd lock me away for being mad out of my mind. I swear its gods way of punishing me for something I have done in my past life or something. Apparently I was a serial killer or ax murderer in a past life or something.. or worse..I cant think of anything worse right now but if there is something worse I may have been that too.. I believe I was meant to have my crew of kids because they are honestly and truly the only people in my life that will love me the way anyone with a good heart deserves. Honestly I would love to say that I am over exaggerating but Every single person who's ever uttered the words I love you to me has betrayed me or walked out on me or both. I don't think I can find a loving relationship to be in because I have no idea what its like to loved by someone other then my kids. Over the last year now I have been threw hell and back but its taught me that no matter what happens in my life the people that will always matter and be there for me are my kids.. And myself. I proved to myself that I don't need anyone. I can do me and mine by myself. I honestly believe I was born to be alone. I have never been successful at creating or keeping a solid relationship. Possibly because I never really saw any and the ones I did see that were solid and real were not anyone I was actually related to. I'm honestly not sure as to why it worked out that way but one thing I know is every time I am in a relationship no matter who its with it always ends horribly and I end up being the one hurt,in debt or used for one thing or another. I swear I have no taste or something.. maybe I don't know shady people when I see them because I try and see the good in everyone and yet as I have come to terms with this year is that there are A LOT fewer good people left in the world then there is bad. I cant imagine the empty feeling one must have to rip off or use a mother of seven kids just for shits and giggles but apparently these type of people pray of people like me, like creatures that smell fear and live off the darkness in the deadest part of your dreams. As I have come to research, these type of people are physic vampires or sponges. People who live off the emotions of others and they drain you aura and your physical and emotional energy. For one reason or another I seem to attract these types of people and not just boyfriends, friends and even family tend to fit the term. i'm going to end this rant now but do yourself a favor become aware of the people that surround your life because love is blind and it doesn't just work like that for a spouse but for everyone in your life.