To The Woman I Never Met..

Hi, I know i will never get to meet you or get to know exactly how amazing of a woman or mother

you were but i can see it in your son's eyes. I can see how amazing you were by the light and sorrow in his eyes when he talks about you. I can see how important you were by the tears that well in his eyes when he talks about you. i know you gave him many memories and many laughs in his life. I am writing you today on your anniversary to say Thank you. Thank you for raising the most amazing man i have ever met in my entire life. Thank you for letting him make mistakes along the way and supporting him threw it all because it has made him a strong man and helped him push threw all the hurt and pain he's endured before and after you have been gone. I want to let you know that i hope i can make you proud and be the woman that your son deserves in his life. I hope you are smiling down on both Tim and your daughters and you grandchildren with a smile bright and pure enough to light the sky for them on their dark days. I Love your son with all my heart and I hope your looking down on our lives with pride and acceptance. All My Love and thoughts on this day..thank you for being the amazing woman you were and raising your Prince to become my king. <3

Ramble about the love of my life xo

Okay well i'm laying here in bed thinking of what to write about since my blogs come in far and few between spurts lol and beside me lays this amazing,hilarious,completely insane man that i am head over heels for. He has changed me in so many ways in the last few months that it even surprises me. I am by far the "cuddly" "affectionate" type by any means nor am I the type to show emotions very easily but he brings a very different side of me out. i cant begin to explain it because i dont fully understand it myself. i can tell you that i see a future with him. He talks about it so easily and it makes me get butterflies in my tummy lol half is nervousness and the other excitement..i have never met someone like him before. He makes me laugh,he makes me smile literally all the time. i cant believe i actually found my perfect match. He truly is my future <3

I have seen what forever looks like..

I am writing to babble about an amazing man i met approx. 2 1/2 months ago. I am learning the ins and outs of who he is as a man and father. He amazes me with his drive and dedication in everything he does, the love he has for his children is amazing. I have literally never met someone so incredible. He is everything i have ever looked for. i know his past and i love him more daily for everything his heart and soul has endured. He is older then me, has seen things in his life time i wouldn't wish on anyone and yet he is the sweetest soft hearted person i have ever met. When he is around i feel like nothing could ever be wrong. I actually feel safe and loved. Being loved for who i am has been something i haven't had. he knows my flaws and he knows my past and he looks at me and the hot mess that i am and he looks at me with a look of pure acceptance, no judgment. I feel complete when he's around..I have so much respect for the man he is and how humble about life and the few people in his day to day. I love the way his eyes light up when he talks about his children. Even though he's been threw so much and has seen pain no man as amazing as he is should ever go threw in his life, he stays humble and he is hard working. He is everything i have looked for.. he is Real. He is honest and loving,a good father and a passionate lover. I couldn't be happier in my life right now. My mom always told me that when you meet that right person you'll just know..you'll hear it in the back of your mind "that's the one" and I have never been so Head over heals for someone before in such a short time. I have always had walls up my entire life and even more so after two nearly decade long relationships that failed, I even to them still had my walls up.. trying to be the woman They needed me to be and not the woman that i am. He doesn't want me to be what he needs me to be because i am the person he needs me to be when i am just being me..even bumming around his apt, lounging around, hair a mess and snuggled up on his couch watching aimless shows just joking around and being silly. When we are together all we do is laugh. it melts my heart when i look at him and he's already looking at me like it was the first time he's seen me. He has the most beautiful eyes and even better the most beautiful heart i've ever seen.

Never going back..

So I'm again single mom of seven kids. This time i couldn't be happier to be single lol i cant believe i dealt with that crap for all those years lol after nearly a year without him and no contact,no drama.. and then having him around even for two months or so was more then enough to remind me that omg wtf was i ever thinking lol its hilarious how blind you can become over the bullshit we call love. good thing i have learned threw life that nothing lasts forever and everything must one day come to an end. In some way i wish i was more upset and actually felt something over him being gone again..maybe it would make me feel..i dunno..human. but i don't..Like i feel like i don't have any feelings to give anymore.. like I'm not capable of feeling anything at all. its scary but enlightening at the same time. I remember a time when i cried day and night for months.. i couldn't eat,sleep nothing. It tore my heart out time and time again watching him walk away like we didn't matter just to come back when he had nothing better going on then me or his kids.. I truly believe that with every gift we are given comes a price to pay for it and I have my children and my only daughter thanks to him.. but i paid a deep price for him being their father and having to deal with him due to the fact. I have always thought and still do believe a father is just as important in a child's life as a mother is but like a mother.. a father is only important if they make themselves important in their child's life. I wished with all my heart and soul for it to work for so long that now that i have seen first hand that no matter what it never will.. i can move on and not ever look back.. and for once I'm happy about it.

Monsters are out there.. Be aware.

I hate you..i hate you more and more as the days pass. when i see you i am reminded how much easier my life would have been if i had never met you. You disgust me to no end. How could someone so horrible..i grew up thinking monsters were make believe but then people like you and other men like you came into my world and showed me that life is FULL of monsters they just don't wear capes,fangs,drink blood or fly..they walk among us like everyone else. They hide in the open,they lie,cheat,steal and torture people, they literally suck the happiness,hope and even your soul right out of you. They have no regards to others or how the things they do effect others because in their world they are the only ones that matter. They love no one not even themselves. They build fake relationships with people just to get the pleasure of taring their lives apart and watching them struggle to survive and once they finally get grounds to get back up on their own feet they snake their way back in just to do it all over again and none of these poor people see it coming till its to late. Then it starts all over again. These people ARE monsters they are physic vampires. These people are clingy and once they think they have a hold of you and your life or heart they keep coming around just to get a fix of the misery they cause you then they leave like you never mattered..they go about their lives like its nothing and these soul sucking creatures tend to act like they were the victims in it all. They will complain about their recent victim by saying things like he/she was such a bitch or controlling or that they cheat or they this or that but will NEVER take any blame on themselves. these people are people you should steer clear from because no matter how much you think people change or that you can "fix" them or that they love you more then the last person so they'd never do that to you.. Your WRONG. They NEVER change. They'll never care and they will never feel sorry. You cant change people. I have a saying i have learned and lived by this year and actually been thinking of getting it tattooed "People Don't Change, just the mask they wear does." its literally the truest saying i have ever heard in my life. I fell into the "monster's pit" and have suffered greatly mentally for it.. But i survive; it's literally who i am and what i stand for. Nothing in my life has kept me down and never will. I will fight this monster that stands in the shadow of my life till the day i die..  I Am Not A Victim, I'm A Survivor.

eX'z & Aghh'z

Have you ever had someone in your life that you cant imagine living without but if you could chock the life out of them and get away with it you might actually stop and think about it for a minute..Yea i have one of those too and unfortunitly i had four kids with him lol As poisonous as he is to me, my kids love their dad and i know how it feels to grow up fatherless and not know the person who created you..and i saw what my kids dad turned out to be with a father who was in and out of his life and a dad who played daddy to everyone elses kids except his own son..well sadly like father like son and as much as its not my job to defend or keep his relationship between him and his kids.. in my eyes it really is. They're family is so selfish and self obsorbed that no one would defend my kids. they all turned their backs on his entire generation so for them to do it to my kids wouldnt be a huge surprise really. If my kids are going to beat the parenting issues and growing up with dad gone and mom to tired and stressed to actually enjoy being a mom then i need to step up and do something different because by deffinition insanity is doing the same thing over and over again exspecting different results.. and as out there and out spoken that i am i really would like to think that i'm not compeletely insane. I deal with him and all his stupidity and ignorance because i know if i dont fight for his kids future then no one else will. Have you ever had to put yourself into something you really had no interest in doing but it was what was Best for someone you would take a bullet for so you suck it up and deal with it anyways.. yea its That! lol Call me neive but i like to think that everyone has a good side or at least i used to till My kids dad proved me wrong..and sadly its not just one person its an entire family run on lies,stealing and desception. Growing up with a family that runs off money and how much you can spend on yourself and it doesnt matter who you step on to get it..even each other. I yes grew up in facs as a "foster kid" and i got to learn that you put others first. you dont have to be rich to be a good person, to help people, to make a difference, to love someone because you actually care not because genetics says you have to. Living in such a way; so angry and selfish..
it must really suck to live like that. I may have lived a ruff childhood but those very few people in my childhood that i actually felt genuine love from..Those people stood out and made me know that Love is the least selfish thing on this earth and everyone needs it, weather they deserve it or not. our human body; human nature seeks love,acceptance and security and its sad that some people are actually taught the exact opposite of this and it sticks. People in my life have shown me shady, evil ways and lied,cheated,stole and used me..but i see these people after they do such evil things to someone like me knowing i would never do those things to them.. i honestly ad truly feel sorry for them. My soul cries for the sadness and self hating these people have inside themselves. i could never imagine what i would think of myself if i had become what people tried to make me be.. I was determined to NOT be like them.. like all the mean,evil,selfish people in the world..It may suck to be a nice person sometimes but i would rather be me then have to look at myself in the mirror knowing i was like them..

Mothers..Step up or back off and let the real woman do their job.

Is it just me or are their way to many woman who just have babies just to claim being a mother. As a mother of Seven children it literally makes me sick to my stomach to see or know a mother who just cant do her job or Hasnt. I grew up in foster care with Foster parents. Always living with someone elses mom and dad and not my own. Its probably the reason i have a very low tolerance to ignorance when it comes to parenting. Dont get me wrong i am not the perfect parent; Heaven knows i had no one teaching me how to be a mother.. BUT.. i put all seven of my kids before myself and i will ALWAYS be their mother and NO i do NOT agree with those stupid parents who seem to think that just because their children grow up that their job is 'Done' well i didnt know that being a parent had a quiting time. I was always under the impression that parenting was a life time thing but apparently i seem to be the only person that i know that still believes that. I plan to be not only an active grandparent but i will be an active mother till the day I die and even then if i can stick around and keep an eye on my kids and grandkids after i am gone i would. I know far to many shady two faced mothers who dont know how to act like a proper mother. These ladies are turning on their kids, putting themselves first, not protecting their kids, not caring for them like they deserve. Lets face it anyone in my generation is fighting against a genetic default called lousy parenting. Our parents were raised in a time where raising your kids to be proactive people in society wasn't the top priority so unless you were smart enough to acknowledge that this was happening and change the road you were on on your own then you are most likely a product of your surroundings and thankfully i was forced to grow up way faster then i should have been forced to but thanks to that it made me well aware of my families genetic faults and patterns that even at 6 yrs old when my FACS worker asked me what i wanted to be i told her ' I want to be a mother, so that i can stop the pattern of children in my family taken by facs." she really didnt know how to respond considering it wasnt a typical answer anyone would get from a six year old little girl. I plan to one day write my life story but i am afraid i will have to put into fantacy due to no one ever believing that one person could possibly go threw everything i have and still come out semi sane and able to funtion as stable and a rock hard fondation for seven children. I dont like Fake People and I HATE FAKE MOTHERS EVEN MORE..